Ying and Yang. Hot and cold. Sweet and spicy.
Life is about balance and without balance, things can become very.. well, unbalanced. Throughout my recovery, finding a balance between recovering and the world around me has been a challenge, nonetheless. I would become impatient with the speed of my recovery, jump into too many activities, and end up in setting myself back further. Finding balance is something that I have been working to continually improve on for the sake of my health, though. In fact, when I begin to take on too much and feel overwhelmed, I remind myself of my last semester of my undergraduate degree when I was taking 22 credits, president of an art society, involved in multiple extracurriculars, and had various other responsibilities weighing on my shoulders.
I was like a circus performer balancing plates upon thin sticks upon my shoulders and when I became sick, all of those plates came crashing down around me. The life I so feverishly tried to fill with as much as possible became almost unrecognizable to me as I traded books and meeting agendas for hospital beds and CT scans. I quickly realized that the plates I spent so much effort trying to juggle were consuming every ounce of my attention and I was hardly living. I was only existing, refusing to let go of my yearn to stay "busy." When I became sick, suddenly I found myself wishing I had spent the weekend with my friends instead of burying myself in extracurriculars. I found myself wishing that I had taken more time to appreciate simply being in college and learning, rather than always running, running, running.
I find myself in a similar situation currently, only this time I am in the midst of recovering while completing my final capstone for my master's degree. I have had no shortage of stressful moments as I juggle doctor's appointments, procedures, and long trips to Baltimore, all while trying to develop a comprehensive, well-thought out, and strategically sound integrated marketing communications plan for my business as graduation looms only around a month away.
About a week ago, I found myself completely overwhelmed. I was only a few days out from a procedure to close one of my surgical wounds and it felt like there was a ton of bricks on my shoulders. I was trying to heal, complete assignments, write blog posts, interact with followers on my Instagram, arrange charity events for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation, and complete commissioned art pieces and it was simply too much. I was running myself into the ground again, just as I had before, and my body was feeling the effects. My plates were stacking higher and higher and beginning to become too much to carry. Fortunately, with the help of my amazing mom, I sat down and really prioritized what was most important at this moment, with my health taking first priority.
It is so important to acknowledge when you are falling out of balance in life. Life is meant to be lived, not simply muddled through, too busy to notice and appreciate the little things.
As March comes to a close, I approach the 2-year anniversary since my diagnosis with Ulcerative Colitis. The last 2 years have been a blur of hospital stays, ER visits, surgeries, and some of the most challenging moments I have ever faced both physically and emotionally.
Little did I know 2 years ago that my life was about to change in ways I could never imagine. I have laughed, I have cried, I have felt broken, and I have met some incredible people along the way. I have connected with patients all over the world and helped others through some of the hardest moments in their lives; moments that I remember myself all too well. I have learned patience, trust, and to believe in the power of the human body. There truly are no words to describe the last two years of my life and my journey is far from over. My only hope is to continue to inspire and give hope to those facing similar or even vastly different battles to me. I believe we are truly stronger together.
When I receive messages through my blog or Instagram from patients facing unbelievably battles saying, "because of you, I have not given up," or "because of you, I have hope that everything will be OK," I am always brought to tears. To inspire others in such as way while I go through the same battles myself is indescribable. I know the heartbreak that you feel when you are watching your life change before your eyes.
One of my favorite messages came from a mother whose child is currently battling Inflammatory Bowel Disease, saying that her daughter looked up to me and referred to me as "the red-haired strong girl."
2 years out from my first diagnosis, I have also reached a huge milestone in my journey: 100 pounds! This is only the second time in the last two years that I have reached triple digits after dropping to only 72 pounds before my first surgery. The first time I reached 100 pounds was before my second surgery, however, due to complications with my j-pouch before having it removed, I dropped back down to 78 pounds before my fourth surgery. Needless to say, it has been a rollercoaster of a journey and to reach 100 pounds feels incredible. This feat has not come without its challenges, though. Complications with a surgical wound healing has made recovering a little more difficult and painful than it should be nearly 6 months post-operative. I have learned to listen to my body and rest when I need to rest, no matter how frustrating it may be.
With my physical recovery has also come mental and emotional growth and recovery. While surgery to receive a permanent ileostomy was best for my health both present and future, the decision did not come without an overwhelming mixture of emotions. Relief, sadness, resentment, frustration.. sometimes it is hard to admit that we are not OK with something, even if it is for the better. Recovering from my surgery has been largely physical, but also emotional. I have learned to grieve, accept, and embrace the cards that I have been dealt. My life will never be the way it once was- but that is OK.
With every heartbreaking realization that my life has been changed forever comes a sense of clarity and gratitude.
And as the days, months, and years pass, I will continue to learn to accept my journey. There will undoubtedly still be days when I find myself feeling sad, resentful, or frustrated, but those days will not last forever.
I want to close this update with a message to anyone who may be facing a challenging time in their lives right now:
Whatever you are facing right now, please know that it will not be like this forever. You never truly know how strong you are until you face something that changes your life forever. You may cry, you may scream, and you may feel like giving up, but please believe me when I say that you CAN do this. Believe in yourself. Believe in the power of love. Believe that the light will always find a way. Some of the most life-changing experiences come from the challenges we thought we would never get through. Keep fighting. I believe in you. - Kristen
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