Do you know what a chronic illness looks like?
The reality is, there is no specific face of a chronic illness. Chronic illnesses affect those young and old, rich and poor, different races, genders, and religions. Chronic illnesses affect those who run marathons and those who simply try to walk daily. Chronic illnesses affect straight-A students and students with a little trouble in school. Chronic illnesses affect mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers and grandmas and grandpas and best friends and husbands and wives.
Chronic illnesses have no one "face" and often times, chronic illness fighters are not who you would think they are.
But here is what chronic illness fighters are:
Chronic illness fighters are strong.
They are resilient.
Chronic illness fighters are grateful. Grateful for every day, rather it be in good or bad health.
Chronic illness fighters are leaders, shining their light for others lost in the dark.
They are proud.
Chronic illness fighters are brave. Often times braver than even they know.
Chronic illness fighters are hopeful.
They are powerful.
Chronic illness fighters are selfless.
Chronic illness fighters are unique. Not one the same.
Chronic illness fighters never asked to be placed in their situation. They never asked to wake up sick and never quite be the same as they were before their illness. But chronic illness fighters gain so much more than they lose in their battles with their illnesses. Having a chronic illness opens up your eyes to the fragility and beauty of life and health. You are never promised a life free of an illness, no matter how well you take care of your body.
Sometimes we are dealt difficult cards, not to break us down, but to build us up higher that ever before.
This topic came to my mind the other day when looking through pictures from last spring, right after my diagnosis of severe Ulcerative Colitis. I was scared, confused, and frustrated. I kept asking my mom, "what did I do?" in an attempt to find out why and how I went from a healthy 22-year-old to someone who spent weeks in the hospital at a time. Was it something I ate? Did I not exercise enough? Was it too much stress? Was it genetics? I spent many nights awake during the first few months of my diagnosis trying to make sense of "why."
The reality was, there was not one thing to blame the onset of my illness on and no matter how hard I searched and no matter how much I blamed myself, it did not change the outcome. I still got sicker. I still contracted a severe case of C. Diff. I still lost my colon, I still went through multiple surgeries and experienced complications. Blaming myself for something that was completely out of my control did not change anything. It simply made it harder for my body to fight my illness. I was looking for a reason behind my illness. I was looking for a human flaw to blame my illness on.
Since my diagnosis and over the last year, I have met many other patients battling chronic illnesses. Some battling similar ones to me and others with their own tribulations and not one alike to another. But one thing that each and every one of them shares is an overwhelming sense of gratitude towards life and a strong desire to help those facing similar battles.
They appreciate the small things. They appreciate that slice of pizza or the chance to go to the mall. They appreciate the doctors and nurses who work tirelessly to give them their lives back. They appreciate their families and friends who stand by them through the long days and nights. Most importantly, they gain a great sense of empathy that makes them fearless advocates for not only themselves, but others.
The outpouring of support and encouragement that I have received from family, friends, and complete strangers who have gone through similar hardships is overwhelming. From answering my tough questions to debunking some of my irrational worries, I have been welcomed into a family of extremely strong men and women. And while they have acted as guides throughout my illness, they have also been preparing me to become a guide for the next newly diagnosed chronic illness patient.
It was not until last August, after losing my colon, that I finally stopped looking for a reason and blaming myself for my illness and began embracing the challenge that I had been dealt. No, it was not what I ever expected and yes, it was a living nightmare, but I had two options: crumble under the pressure or take the opportunity to rebuild myself. Even after choosing to make the most of my situation, it was a slow process, though. Many days I still sat in front of my mom, tears streaming down my face, asking her "why?" and "what did I do wrong?" But with every week that I edged further away from my surgery, I became stronger not only physically, but mentally. I began to accept my illness, my body, and the upcoming surgeries that I faced. I felt a sense of strength and determination.
While my newfound strength and acceptance of my illness was challenged with every new surgery or setback (hence, over a month of constant obstructions and not being able to eat and drink), I still continued to grow, coming out stronger each time.
Slowly, my "why me?" became "try me."
Now, over a year and three surgeries later, I am so thankful for my illness. Do not get my wrong, though: some days, even now, I still get frustrated. But my frustration is quickly resolved when I remind myself of the incredible journey that my chronic illness has taken me on.
I am now one of the many unique faces of a chronic illness.
Just remember: everyone is fighting some kind of battle, whether it is visible to the eye or not. Sickness does not discriminate. Show compassion, extend empathy, and never take a single day of your health for granted.
Oh, and hug your pets.
- Kristen