Full-time student, full-time chronic illness warrior.
As I approach 5 months post-operative, I continue to be amazed by the way in which my body is able to bounce back from the trauma it went through. 2-3 days a week I am now going to the gym and to focus on strengthening my body and on days when I am not at the gym, I practice yoga and walk at home. I have even began running. Yes, that is right- running! Even 6 months ago, it felt like I would never get the chance to run again. It definitely has not been easy and there are some days when exercising just is not an option due to incision pain or my body simply just needing a break.
That is the thing about recovery: it is not linear. There are going to be ups and downs and in-betweens along the way, but you can never give up. Last week, I found myself hooked up to an IV in the infusion clinic due to severe dehydration. Thursday morning upon getting out of bed and almost blacking out, I knew exactly what was going on. Dehydration has been one of my biggest battles throughout my illness and this week was no exception. When I called my primary care doctor with muscle pain, severe fatigue, headaches, dizziness, lightheadedness, a high heart rate, and low blood pressure, I was prescribed 2 liters of fluids in hopes to perk me up a little. Thankfully, the fluids were incredibly helpful and my energy has slowly began coming back. Weeks like this can be extremely physically and emotionally exhausting in my recovery, but they are always a harsh reminder that my body is still healing and to practice patience and kindness with it.
In the midst of recovery, I have begun my final semester of graduate classes, which means classes, my capstone project, and graduation. Recovering and juggling graduate classes is never easy, but I know it will be worth it. I did not come all of this way to give up now, did I?
I have been envisioning the emotions that I will feel walking across the stage at graduation. For me, completing my master's degree means something completely difference than most graduates. Completing my master's degree is just one more reminder that I have won my battle with Inflammatory Bowel Disease. When all odds were stacked against me, I kept fighting and refused to ever let my illness be an excuse not to keep going. I cannot even imagine what it is going to feel like to hold that diploma in my hands.
Just the other day, when going about my daily activities and errands, I realized something: I was happy. Not just happy in the moment, but truly happy. Why is this so significant? When I received my first ileostomy in August of 2016, I remember struggling immensely in the beginning with accepting what had happened. I was devastated and felt as if I would never adjust to this new change in my life. As the months passed, despite what I had previously thought, I actually did adjust to my new body, but with a clause attached. I began to accept my journey, only with the thought that I would be receiving my j-pouch in several more months and I would be "bag-free" once again.
"I will be truly happy when I get rid of this ileostomy and get my j-pouch," I thought.
But what happens when the thing I could never imagine living with and being truly happy with became my reality?
There has been no shortage of tears when it comes to accepting what is now my new "normal," but recently I have been striving to change my perspective on my situation. Whether this is how I envisioned my life would be right now or not, this is the way it is and there is no going back. I can either fight it day after day and cause myself more emotional pain or simply accept it, acknowledge the challenging days, and strive to be as happy as possible. And I do have challenging days. I have really challenging days. There are moments when the reality of everything hits me like a brick wall. But, although painful, I know these moments are only temporary.
Too often, we place clauses on our own happiness, promising ourselves that, "I will be happy when _________ happens." But when the thing we were holding off for to be truly happy does not happen, we are left disappointed and defeated. I want to strive to be happy in the present moment just because. I want to be happy because I woke up pain free or because I am surrounded by a loving family or just because I can. I do not want to rest my happiness on events that may or may not happen. Life is too fragile and precious to waste even a second denying ourselves happiness. Life may not go the way you envisioned, but that is OK. Embrace the change, welcome unfamiliarity, and just LIVE.
Take it from someone who placed so many constraints on their own happiness waiting for the "perfect" moment, only to wake up one day and realize that their life was changing before their eyes.
So I challenge each and every person reading this to stop waiting for the right moment to be happy and just live. Whoever you are, where ever you are from, and whatever you are battling, let go of your expectations on the world. When you truly let go of your expectations, you will begin to live happily.
One day, you will catch yourself smiling for no reason other than the fact that you are alive.
