The other day someone asked me, “how do you stay so positive all of the time despite what you are going through?”
My answer: “I don’t.”
When I began writing about my journey, I wanted it to be a place where I could not only chronicle my experience battling Inflammatory Bowel Disease, but a place where I could inspire others along the way. I wanted to promote positivity and tenacity, while also raising awareness- and I still do. But I feel as if it is important to be as real and raw in my writing as possible and that means discussing the not-so-positive things. That means talking about the topics that get overlooked and can easily be forgotten by the outside world.
This weekend, in the midst of a declutter session in my room, I found my old laptop. I pulled it out from under a few books and plugged it in to charge while I finished cleaning. After a little while to charge and sitting in the middle of the floor, I grabbed the old (and heavy) laptop and booted it up. I began browsing, opening and closing folders and programs. Everything seemed just the way I had left it, almost as if it was frozen in time all of this time.
I continued browsing, working my way into the “pictures” folder. Pictures of my pets, friends, family, sunrises, and more flashed on my screen as I clicked through them. But one image stopped my rhythmic clicking. It was me, a little over 2 years ago. I was smiling. I was wearing one of my favorite navy jackets and a natural layer of makeup. My hair was long and curled in loose, beachy waves and my eyes were bright and wrinkled on the sides from my smile.
In the split second I stopped on this picture, I started to feel a knot in my throat. My vision blurred as a wet layer of tears glazed over my eyes and I started crying. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, sending droplets of tears falling onto the floor, and brought my knees to my forehead. There I was, alone and sitting in the middle of my floor with an old laptop with tears streaming down my face. It was as if someone had suddenly opened the floodgates and everything began to pour out.
After several minutes my tears slowed as I began dabbing them off of my face with the back of my sleeve. I looked back at the picture sitting in front of me. There was past me- pre-illness me- smiling back at current me. I felt that all-too-familiar sense of loss; the sense of loss where you feel sad and frustrated, but helpless all at the same time. I think what got to me looking at these pictures was knowing that at the times when they were taken, I had no idea what my future held. There were no doctors, no hospital stays, no scars, no medicines. I was completely unknowing to what was coming. I never imagined just how much my life was going to change and my illness came on so rapidly and so severe that I barely had time to process the changes that were happening to me. I just wanted to tell the girl in the picture that her life was about to change in ways she could never imagine and that she was about to become stronger than she ever believed she could be.
"I am allowed to have days when I do not feel positive and happy at all."
There is so much more to chronic illnesses than just the illness itself. It is an attack on not only your body, but your emotions as well. Anger, grief, fear, indignation, confusion, loneliness: the list goes on and on. But even though some of our emotions are negative and very powerful at times, we cannot deny or exclude them. You are going to cry. You are going to feel frustrated, sad, angry. These emotions are all part of the coping and adaptation process.
I am not ashamed of my journey and the changes that I have faced and each day I strive to love my body and the journey that I have been on a little more. I think positive thoughts. I turn negative situations into something good or a lesson along the way. I smile. I laugh. I try to live to the fullest. I try to uplift others. But still, despite all of my efforts to remain positive, I still experience different emotions. But I am allowed to have those days when I do not feel positive and happy at all. Days when it is all just too overwhelming. I am only human and grief is an emotion that humans feel when they have experienced a loss.
One piece of advice that I would like to extend to someone battling Inflammatory Bowel Disease or any other chronic or debilitating illness is to stay positive when possible, but do not deny yourself emotions. Lean on those whom you love and trust for support and a listening ear and get your emotions out in the open. Talk, write, draw: do whatever feels most natural and freeing to you to release your emotions.
I have been incredibly lucky to have an amazing support system of family, friends, and even complete strangers throughout my journey and that has truly made facing the challenges that I have faced so much easier to cope with.
I continue to learn and grow from my journey each and every single day. It has not been easy and I still have a long road to recovery and a future full of uncertainties ahead of me, but I will continue to push through because I have a purpose. My purpose is to use my journey to spread awareness for Inflammatory Bowel Disease, advocate for patients, and never stop fighting for a cure.
Take a moment this holiday season to appreciate the many things in your life that you have to be thankful for and do not forget to love yourself along the way.