Time flies when you are having fun, right? The past month has been a whirlwind of appointments and graduate classes and holidays- oh my!
On November 1st, we made our way back to The Johns Hopkins Hospital for my first follow-up appointment after the removal of my j-pouch and creation of my permanent ileostomy. My surgeon was very pleased at my progress and gave me the all-clear to return to physical therapy again! My diet was also advanced, allowing me to reintroduce raw fruits and vegetables back into my meals. As exciting as this is, I cannot help but still feel apprehensive and a little scared to reintroduce these into my diet.
For almost two years, food has amounted to pain for me. Active Ulcerative Colitis, obstructions from my loop ileostomy, and inflammation and adhesions with my j-pouch all took my ability to eat normally away, making it severely painful or downright impossible at times. Many of those times, my diet shrank down to merely bread, soup broth, or even just ice chips. I may never want to look at soup broth again, but now I am slowly reintroducing some of the things that my j-pouch simply would not tolerate back into my diet like fruit, cooked veggies, and more. It is a very fear-evoking process as still wonder, "is this going to cause me pain? Am I going to have an obstruction?" But, just as with any part of recovery, it will get better.
November 7th was my first physical therapy intake evaluation after surgery for strengthening and endurance. A series of bending and pushing movements revealed that I have lost a significant amount of strength and flexibility since the severe inflammation started in my j-pouch. Throughout July and little into August, before the inflammation got too serious, I worked diligently at walking, practicing yoga, and strengthening my body after my third surgery and had reached several miles of walking a day, even introducing short bursts of jogging. I was so incredibly proud of my progress, so to realize after my fourth surgery that I could no longer even stand up from the floor or walk more than several minutes was devastating. I had become so sick again that in a matter of several weeks, I lost all of the progress, and more, that I had made previously. I also lost a significant amount of weight and currently still stand at only 80 pounds, which definitely adds a layer of difficulty to my recovery.
But it is that disheartening feeling, that frustration, that makes me get up, put on my tennis shoes, and work to grow stronger each day. It is that feeling of defeat that encourages me to try harder because I have something to prove, not to anyone else, but to myself. I have fought too hard and come too far to let another hurdle in my journey stop me.
Life is exactly that too- a journey. There will be ups and downs and successes and failures and laughter and tears, but that is all part of your story.
I remember asking my mom so many times over the last year and a half, "what did I do wrong?" I was desperately trying to makes sense of why I went from a healthy 22-year-old to critically ill in a matter of several months. Was it something I did? Was it the way I ate? I tried and tried to place the blame on myself, thinking that everything was my fault. But slowly I began to realize- to understand- that I have been placed on this journey and given these challenges, not as punishment, but as an opportunity to grow. My journey is unique to me and is meant, not to tear me down, but to build me up stronger than ever before.
The week of Thanksgiving was filled with family, great food, and fun memories. This Thanksgiving and every single day, I am thankful for the highs, the lows, the blessings, the lessons, the setbacks, the comebacks, the love, my health, and my family. I often feel so overwhelmed by gratitude for the love and support that I have received throughout my journey from family, friends, and complete strangers. The last year and a half I have had the opportunity to meet others fighting battles both similar and different to mine with beautiful spirits and the will to keep fighting. I have listened to so many stories and seen the true power of modern medicine and miracles. Twice in the last year and a half I have been given a second and third chance to live after my health declined rapidly to a critical state. I have a long recovery ahead of me, but I am alive and words will never describe how thankful I feel.
Love your life, hug your family, watch the sun set, laugh until you cry, sing too loudly in the car, dance like a fool, smile at a stranger- do not wait for a holiday to be thankful for and appreciate what is around you.
Instead of participating in the Black Friday madness, this year my family and I hopped in the car and travelled a mile down a dirt road to a local Christmas tree farm to find the perfect tree for our porch. We walked the rows of dark green Christmas trees followed by a little farm dog named Gus in search of the perfect tree and appreciating the peace and quite. After walking the massive property comparing trees, we came across the perfect one. This was the first time we went to pick out a tree and I think it will become a yearly tradition from now on.
Although I am positively exhausted from the festivities of Thanksgiving week, I overflowing with gratitude and holiday spirit. One of the last things my surgeon said to me at my post-op appointment was, "it's going to be a great holiday season-" and he could not be more right.